Chasing cars...

Other than eve teasing, one of the most popular depraved, depressing topics our beloved Times likes to write about, is road rage. Common forms of letting it out include shattering windshields, puncturing tyres, or plain vanilla beating the fuck out of a dude with a cricket bat.
Now we've all had to share the roads with bad drivers, who'll either swerve a lot, or else flash their lights and honk like jackasses, and even some that like to brake at random. Now these people cause us to suffer stress which can lead to heart problems (ache and shock, when faced with damage to our own vehicles), the last thing we want at the end of a busy and stressful day at work. I have therefore taken it upon myself to devise a method of dealing with road rage that won't land us on the front page of any hateful newspaper with the word 'Times' in its title. Why don't we go over it with the help of that great song by Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars.

If I lay here. If I just lay here

The optimum, well optimum as far as I'm concerned, posture for driving a car is a comfortable one. Allow me to demonstrate my own. Now I'm a tall guy. So my seat is always as far back as it can go. For those of you not blessed with a nearly six and a half foot stature *cough*Aurora*cough*, comfort may still be achieved with the seat as far forward as it can be. Merely tilt the backrest down by about, say thirty degrees, and coast.

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

The next step is to find a top speed that is comfortable, easy to maneuver at, and attainable within the top three gears, say, 40. Now a speed such as this is both fuel efficient, and think about it, even if you do drive like a mad (wo)man, that seventy year old uncleji you overtook is going to catch up to you at the next red light. Now you have to stay the course. Don't go over your top speed, no matter who comes up behind you. The only exception to this rule is ambulances. Please guys, for fuck's sake, let an ambulance pass you by. Force other dudes (such as the seventy year old) off the road if you have to, but give the guy the ambulance is rushing to that little extra five-second chance.

I don't know, how to say, how I feel

Now if what you feel is hatred, such as for some asshole in a CRV who just nicked your rear view right off, there's a great form of revenge. Keep in mind that all Pioneer systems have the same remote. That's right, every single one. Just get up next to the guy, make sure you're on the left of that guy, when you're in the driver's seat that is, aim arbitrarily into his car, and press something. A good button to start with is the 'SRC' button. Short depressions of that button will alternate the system between CD, Tape, Auxillary, and Radio. Even better, if you hold it down, his music system turns off entirely. This can serve to freak him out completely, and get him to calm the hell down. Keep in mind, this isn't recommended on crowded roads, but can be great at a red light. If you're lucky, as I once was, the guy might see it as a game, and in turn whip out his own remote, and aim for your music system. The game ends when one of the cars ends up impaled on the HCBS divider. Again, not recommended on crowded roads, and being on the left is far more advantageous, as you don't have too much trouble aiming from the driver's seat. Also, try to aim without looking, your eyes belong on the road. Always.

Those three words

"Like hell, bitch." We always encounter one punju dude with completely black tinted windows who's in a real awful hurry to get somewhere. Remember, we're going at 40, so he should be able to overtake easily enough. If he resorts to flashing his high beam and honking, he's asking for it. A key skill here is downshifting. Simply press down on the clutch, go into neutral, press the gas for a fraction of a second, press the clutch again, and change to a lower gear. If you timed it right, the car won't jolt when you hit the gas again, and with some practice, this whole process can take just a second or two. This is also a useful skill to possess when tackling U-turns, as you can be back at your beloved 40 in no time. The benefit of this process is that you're now moving at 40, but at third (or second, not recommended unless you really know what you're doing. You know what, just go to third, it's good pickup on most cars anyway) gear, where your pick up is exponentially better, and you can speed up in no time. Simply catch up to the car in front, and gently nudge (not physically) him into moving to the left by softly honking (mildly, you're not a punju dude, remember) until he moves to the left. You then draw up to level with him, and match his speed. Stay with him, effectively blocking off punju dude's passage, and possibly instilling in him a tiny bit of patience. Oh who am I kidding, he's never going to learn any patience, but you have to admit, this is tons of fun. Oh and if he passes anyway, try to follow him into a really congested place, and give him a taste of his own medicine (flashers and horn), where he can't get out of the way anyway. Mehrauli road is recommended for this maneuver between 6:30 and 9:00PM.

Okay, I got bored of writing this, and I'm really really tired. So just enjoy the song in its entirety. It's got a semi-decent looking lead singer, some rain, and you Grey's Anatomy fans can relate.

Oh and also, go read Neha's blog. It totally rocks and stuff.

Edit: I was wrong. That lead singer's an ugly bitch.