Saturday, October 13

A few points...

When attempting to teach a roomie how to cook for his new girlfriend, don't have too much faith in the guy to start him off on something like Smoked Sea Bass with a Khus Khus filling, and if it seems imperative that he must be started off on this variety of fish where jaw-stabbing bones don't pop up periodically, leave signs all over the kitchen regarding the importance of de-scaling the god damn fish. Hmm, not bad. (crunch) ah, another scale.

When spending the night at home, being woken up by the dog nibbling on one's toes to be taken for a walk is not a terrible thing. The answer to that is not to call said dog over to head level, and chomping down, hard on his snout. Regardless of how lazy sleepy one is.

Angels in my Kitchen, other than being unwelcome in my kitchen, will always choose to rip you off on their chocolate croissants. The chocolate will only be found in the innermost layer of the croissant, and constant microwaving of the croissant over the period of eating the massive thing will yield to lovely gooey goodness that will attempt to burn a hole in one's tongue and than proceed to do so to the esophagus and any other organs it encounters. A definite option is to heat it a bit, then tear open the sides and fill them with Nutella. This results in a most lovely hazelnut variety of croissant. Although too many hazelnut croissants could be bad along the lines of cholesterol and result in a mild case of deadness. Symptoms include immobility, an inability to respond to interesting events, and a pervasive, unpleasant odor. It is almost always fatal.

When a punju boy in his pimped lancer stops at a traffic light and regards one with a challenging look, revving his engine in an attempt to intimidate, have mercy on the guy's poor girlfriend sitting next to him, god bless the girl for putting up with said punju boy, and hold back on racing him. He will lose. His engine will start coughing, and wheezing, and start to release great gouts of smoke. He will then glare, blaming you for his predicament, while the soon to be non-girlfriend screams at him. Under no circumstances should you agree to drop the now non-girlfriend home if she so asks, lest punju boy fall to his knees as a big, sobby, spoiled brat of a mess.

When sharing your nice, clean blood with a 16.6 hemoglobin and 275k platelet count with a leukemia patient, feel free to begin to lose all faith in the nurse when she exclaims her inability to find your vein. Feel freer to do so when she molests your finger with a needle to re-re-re-confirm your blood group before the actual process of bleeding you dry. Finally, it is within your civil rights to rant and rave at the nurse and all her colleagues, and the world at large, and attempt to invoke the name of Sir Ganga Ram when incompetent nurse manages to pierce through the vein on the other side too, so that during aspheresis, platelet-free blood pumped back in ends up getting pumped directly into the skin, forming a bruise the size of a grapefruit. You also retain the right to scream and snap at the patient's hot niece who came in to check in on you, when she asks if your face is contorted into a veneer of fury out of fear, while said incompetent nurse is squeezing the crap out of your arm's grapefruit to try and get some of that extra blood out.
It. Bloody. Hurts.

35 comments:

Revealed said...

Can't believe you molested him. Poor lil doggy!

??! said...

ay yai yai...jao beta, thoda aur chocolate khaon.

Anonymous said...

Nutella. Yum.

twip said...

I hate chocolate.

*silently makes her exit, fearing the chocolate mafioso's wrath*

Pri said...

@twip: you crazy fool.

Pri said...

in no particular order

gross
right
heh
mmmmmm
and awwww look at you all kind and generous and blood giving.

Revealed said...

@the punkster: Woman, woman, whatdidyoujustsay!

Anonymous said...

Ohh this one time when i was on the drip the nurse didnt find my vein so she kept moving around till she hit the spot. Damn that woman my vein was swollen for over two months, the bumbp just wouldn't go!!!
Who gives these people a lisence!!??

Mystique said...

jgu bit the dog? why??
oh come on, even i haven't gone so far as to bite my cat.....

ah.nutella, i detest, chocolate i love.
injections also i hate.

a guy who likes to cook. ah, you are indeed a rare breed....
(if you were a good friend of mine, i'd say marry me so that i never ever have to cook, but you're not, so i wont. what was that u said about swooning?)

lol.

Anonymous said...

be nice to the dog!

you too are a chocolate freak eh??

and abt the punju...well, less said the better!

Mystique said...

lol lol

Anonymous said...

That had to hurt. A lot.

Renovatio said...

@flaffy
He asked for it. Sleep is precious. He doesn't like it when I sneak up on him asleep and smack him!

@the expletives
There's a huge slab of cooking chocolate in the freezer. Haven't decided what to do with it yet :D

@vi
I recall the reason I stopped eating it, a friend of mine referred to it as baby shit on the phone, and my aunt changed her two month old son's diaper in front of me moments later.

@her prod-iness
Blasphemy!

@pri
What can I say, if my blood can save lives, then by all means. Save lives it will.

@doppelganger
Imagine eleven pokes for one blood test. That was at aiims a few years ago.

@mystique
I was right when I said it the first time, swooning. :D

@chandni
Excluding her prod-iness here, I can't think of many chocolate non-freaks.

@yet another
You can't begin to imagine...

Anonymous said...

that's true.

Achha go pick up ur tag. Do something useful for a change :D

Mystique said...

grumble grumble....
impossible i tell you...
anyway go make brownies with ur cooking chocolate n send half to me so that i can see if they're better than the ones i make. (no way.)
ps....how come u don't read my blog?? (blatant advertising on my part)

Mystique said...

yay, thanks 4 puttin me on ur sidebar!
infinite muahs

Princess Consuela Banana Hammock said...

poor lil dog.......aw!!!.....
i love chocolate you love chocolate .chocolate chocolate ....lol wasnt taht part of a nursery rhyme
and you cook ....excellent
as for the blood part .....
get used to it .....
i had a black and blue briuse on my elbow for two days coz that stupid nurse nothing but rammed the needle into my arm almost three times to find the vein .....and to top it all people were asking me why the hell i had tried to kill myself using my elbow.......

I love Lucy said...

You swatted a poor dog???Mean Mean Meanie.
And about the blood donating thingy...been there done that.And towards the end of it all,I would have probably killed that fat nurse with my bare hands for her ineptness and the fact that she had drawn 1.5 times the norm.Except that I fainted...twice..as I hadn't eaten anything for the past 6 hours!
Hey you are also Punju boy, no?

Renovatio said...

@chandni
I resent that. You're insinuating that nothing I do is useful. Hmph.
:( :( :( :( :(

@mysique
Oh, better or worse depends on the lack of sugar, and the presence of nuts. I won't say which works better for me though ;)

@bluebutterfly
The arm's actually getting worse, somehow. Might be an infection in my vein, so I'm getting a tad freaked out here...

@lucy-lover
First things first. I am punjabi, yes, but under no circumstances is that to be confused with punju. Punju boys put the bass up to ridiculous levels, roll down the windows and play their dhinchak tunes that go on and on about booze and babes. Very nearly hip hop actually, the only distinction being that punju boys actually listen to music, while hip hop is just, well. Bleah.
Next up, I didn't swat the dog, I bit him. Hard.
Finally, the blood thing, you really ought to check your blood levels properly next time. No nurse is trained to check platelets and hemoglobin based on BMI, as they're supposed to, so they end up taking blood from people who are deficient in less obvious ways. If you're fainting, you're lacking in something, even if she took a pint and a half. I've given a whole quart and had nothing happen to me, again, blood saves lives and all ya know? :D

Utopia said...

howdie! so much has already been said about chocolate so i refrain from commenting on that heheh! i mean more than half of the world loves chocolate anyways. you sound like a super chef dude! darn i am bloody scared of dogs. got bitten by a mutt while jogging a few months back and now i just keep away from them.

Sig said...

I LOVE Nutella.... I eat it out of the jar by the spoonful when I am craving chocolate and there is nothing in the house :D

Eeek...apparently I can't give blood :( Something to do with my heart condition or something.. Meh. But somehow my patched up heart is good enough to donate lol.

And yes - Poor doggy!!

Spider42 said...

hah! good post, will bear all this sage advice in mind for the future!
on an added note: nutella rules!!
cheers..

wiseling said...

ah chocolate eating, dog biting, being molested by oversized egos and needles... sounds like a fun day overall, if you ask me... :)

The New Age Superhero said...

wow! u seem to live some interesting life :P.. the punju shit was amazing and so was the nurse incident! :D

I love Lucy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
I love Lucy said...

Oh..bit the dog it seems.
Meanie.
Mean panju boy. :-P
Ok kidding about the panju bit but the meanie still holds.

Keshi said...

hehe I like how u write...catchy and smart.

Will be coming ard often.

And tnxx for stopping by my blog!

Keshi.

Anonymous said...

where's the tag??

Spider42 said...

on an added note:
i had a similar experience with giving blood some years back when the prick taking it stuck it in the wrong vein in my left arm which ended up running dry and so they had to move to the right and stick the bugger in there to fill the quota!
and to top it all, though thankfully i didnt end up with grapefruits in me arm - i had purple and black splotches all over my arms for days and looked like a bloody heroin junky!
i hate giving blood, the ideas great but the retatds who take it should be shot...

DreamCatcher said...

hehehehe!!!

btw you are tagged!

http://piyadebose.blogspot.com/2007/11/who-me.html

kal said...

hey... saw your comments on the blogs of two of my (disconnected from each other) friends, don't mind if i stop by. probably will again too. too bad about the dog, the chocolate, and the punju's exgirlfriend; tell us if it ever works out. or if you manage to steal his car. about the nurse stuff... well, it's a hospital. it could ALWAYS be worse. just thank god you got out of there alive.

sorry to hear about robert jordan. haven't read him yet, but he comes highly recommended. how does samit basu grab you?

glfcip: a tournament for rich old men who can't spell too well

Pri said...

come out come out wherever you are

That Armchair Philosopher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
That Armchair Philosopher said...

hahahaha, that part about the grapefruit bruise was hilarious :)

hmm. nutella injections or IV? it'd be the next best thing to caffeine IVs which everyone always talks about!

Anu said...

...squeezing the crap out of your arm's grapefruit to try and get some of that extra blood out. It. Bloody. Hurts.
:)
That was biloody cute
You are bloody cute!!