Karma

It's not a word in my vocabulary, or at least it hasn't until now. Today, I learned about karma.
So in the days following my previous post, I've made some major, major mistakes. Let's go, day by day.
Didn't let her sleep, didn't let her sleep, didn't let her sleep. I wanted to get out of the constant fighting, so I fought to not fight. Now we all know how well that does, and so, both of us said and did some rather upsetting things, more from me though, so guilt was there too. I got back in touch with this lady friend who I have on just two occasions in the last eight months spent time with, just rambling about a messed up relationship. The kind of friend where you just click, but won't ever get into a relationship with, someone you just talk to, with no strings attached, and have no contact with for another four months. I spent the night talking to her, letting out all the broken bitterness in my heart, and unfortunately, she decided to attach a string, and wanted to meet me, annoying the hell out of me.
I promptly took this annoyance out on the woman I still loved, the next day, without any sense of anything. I woke her up, something I'd been doing everyday for the past four months and wanted to continue doing, and instead of waking up to a usual, 'Good morning sweetheart' in my good natured, sweet voice, I gave her a rude, curt, 'Morning', and proceeded to get her to wake up, not at all like I'd been doing up until then. Over the course of the day, we exchanged words here and there, but never anything of substance, and deep down, I knew things were only going to get worse. At night, again, fighting to not fight.
Woke her up, a little better, the following morning, and asked her to come see me at some point. she said it was iffy as she had an assignment, and so I went out with some of the guys with instructions to smack me every time I mentioned her. I came out of that rather bruised, and proceeded to join another friend with no strings attached for some salsa'ing, merengue'ing, and bachara'ing. Since this was my first salsa session, and it was a free dance floor at tapas, my friend was inclined to dance with some of the more experienced salsa dancers, being an instructor herself, so I grabbed myself a fresh lime and collapsed on a couch on the side. Now I refer to myself as an 'Ex lady-killer' for good reason. No longer do I want to indulge in my 'Monogamous single dating' that I'd been doing for the last few years, and I just wanted to be with my beloved, but for some reason, it seemed that 'unhitched' was written on my forehead. No less than seven women came up to me, and asked me to dance with them. Since I wanted to get my mind off her, I proceeded to dance with them all, and for some reason was annoyed when four of them took my number. I got home around 2, not knowing where the former love of my life was, or if she was home safe and sound, so I whiled away most of the night talking to a friend from bombay, and then got up around 6 and sat down to study for my supplementary. Around 10 I started work on this project, and from the moment I sat down, an endless procession of phone calls began. Friends, family who I hadn't spoken to in months, and three of the women from the night before proceeded to piss me off more and more, so when finally my love called me at 12, the first thing she did after waking up, I was, again, annoyed, rude, and unenthusiastic about the fact that she missed me and wanted to come see me. She left to wash up, and called me after a while, and I, a little calmer, assured her that I wanted her to come, and was working on my project, and would call her later. Later when I called, she was cooking, so I sat down to study for the supplementary again, and she called in between, and got annoyed at me for answering, but assured me that she'd be over by 6:30. Now know that the day before, I'd said that she wouldn't be able to see me that day, as she's never free on sundays, but I said alright, come, see you soon. To my chagrin, she was getting some of her work done around 6:30, and said she'd be a little late. I told her it's alright, I'd wait, but she said something a little louder to her sister, and I heard it as her snapping at me, so I snapped back, telling her not to bother coming, and I was right when I said she wouldn't be coming to see me. Ten minutes later, feeling bad, I called to apologize, but she was in a basement, and her voice sounded like she was crying, after which the line got cut and her phone had no more signal. I made the single biggest mistake a man could ever make at this point.
I called her best friend.
Out of concern of course, just to see if she could call and get through, but still, an unforgivable offense. After a few words here and there, one very pointed question, and a comment that undermined my own faith in what I thought I knew, I went off on a lengthy tirade about the problems we'd been facing and proceeded to tell her a lot of things that she wasn't aware of, and wasn't going to be informed about for a while. Fully knowing all this, I went on, and on, and on, full of hurt, telling even myself some things for the first time. She asked me to let her know how things went.
When my beloved came home from a family dinner, she proceeded to tell me how immature I'd been acting, and how she was beyond annoyed at me, and that she could cut me off like she'd cut off a lot of other men, that I was almost as bad as another man from her past, one I detested, and that all men were, well, dogs. While other men used all sorts of sex tricks to make women feel useless, I used my own style of mental trauma and anguish to make her regret, I repeat, regret taking me for granted, and feeling she knew me. She felt she no longer knew me, and was wrong about me, and she wasn't willing to give me a second chance. In a moment of weakness, questioning forgiveness in love, I texted said best friend and told her what she had said, expecting best friend to delete the message and call me in the morning.
Neither of those two things happened, and during the course of the following day, the message was discovered, upon which a fight broke out between the two of them, one I was given no prior warning of.
Here concludes my series of mistakes, I was to pay dearly for.
Back to the morning. I didn't call my beloved to wake her, and I was taking an auto rickshaw, and we got clipped on a turn. My auto toppled over sideways, and turning to save my face, I banged my head, rather hard, onto the road. The rest of the auto decided to roll over onto me. Other parts of my anatomy were jumping up and down exclaiming their pain, but my head seemed to be ringing with the chords of a guitar that had been smashed into it by a scorned woman. I stumbled into another auto and went home, and climbed into bed, hoping to get rid of the pain. I called my mum and couldn't get through, so I called Her, and she got worried, extremely hyper, and started making plans to get me to a doctor as soon as humanly possible. I went to the doc, got a ct and an x-ray for my arm, and everything seemed pretty alright, and she came to see me in the evening. She asked me if there was anything I wanted to declare, and I said there wasn't, and when she asked me if I'd called the best friend, and I told her no, I swear I haven't. I don't know what came over me, what possessed me to do it, knowing that just because she asked, she already knew. But I shook the foundation of any relationship. I lied. She dropped the bomb on me. Told me she'd found the message, and gotten the talk out of best friend, and that now she felt even worse, and that she didn't trust me anymore, as I had just lied to her. She decided that wasn't enough, and decided to cut deeper. Previously, someone had been on her email account, and as far as we knew, I was the only person with the password. She accused me of being that someone, and no matter how much I promised and swore, she refused to trust me anymore.
I finally went back and got in touch with a now very sick best friend, and let her know that I held nothing against her for the retelling, since she was in fact the best friend. Fully knowing this would get back to my love, I asked her to lie about something I knew she wouldn't, and I didn't even want her to, another thing that would get back to Her.
Maybe I'll be able to set things straight once she's actually willing to talk to me again for my insincere request, maybe one mistake was to take the fall for other peoples' suggestions and actions, since in the end, they were still my mistakes, but either way, I was accountable. I thought love was all about forgiveness, if not forgetting. I've forgiven things without even mentioning them to her, and thought she could too. She's cut me out, and won't let me back in, and I'm still coming to terms with what I actually want back. I've fought for love, and I've lost, and I'm shattered. I will pick up the pieces, after I find them, considering she's still got my heart, but moving on will take time.

Today, all the fighting, all the mistakes, all the shit, has caught up to me. My karma has caught up to me, and justice has been meted out.

I stand here at last, I've lost some of the faith in myself, for losing a little faith in my love, my only faith, and I've lost some of my infallible honesty, even if that lie was insincere. I've made all the fatal mistakes, but I'm still confused, still lost.
It's time for my Renovatio, my rebirth. It's time to find myself again.